That's right, ladies and gentlemen of the Internet, I saw Eclipse.

Well...it didn't kill me to see it. I didn't really enjoy it, but it didn't kill me.

Eclipse continues the saga of Bella Swan, her sparkly vampire boyfriend, Edward Cullen, her werewolf best friend, Jacob Black, and their love triangle. In the last movie, the Volturi (the Italian vampire ruling body) said that Bella had to be turned into a vampire or turned into dinner. And with the pissed-off ex-mate of James (who got killed in the first movie) on Bella's trail, it looks like dinner is a viable end. Victoria has created an army of newborn vampires to take down the Cullen clan and exact her revenge on Bella and Edward. So in order to protect the girl they both adore, Edward and Jacob strike up a temporary alliance to kick some newborn ass.

Out of all the talented actors and actresses in the acting world, they had to pick some of the most untalented and boring people on the planet to play characters who are supposed to be consumed with emotion. Jackson Rathbone, who plays Jasper Hale, has the acting skills of a toothpick, and even despite the fact that he has more lines in Eclipse than he had in the other two movies, he completely fails to elicit any emotional sympathy from anyone. Also, with the exception of Taylor Lautner, none of them are particularly good-looking, which they are supposed to be. For instance, Nikki Reed, playing the "devastatingly beautiful" Rosalie Hale, isn't even remotely pretty. And for some reason, these actors like to take long pauses in the most awkward places in a sentence. And another thing that bothers me...why are these two guys so hell-bent on getting Bella? She has no personality, she's whiny, wishy-washy, and generally irritating! Is that really what guys look for in a girl? There is no chemistry whatsoever in this movie...a romance film...there's a problem. Another thing. Why was Dakota Fanning even considered for a part? Her "badassness" is utterly comical and I don't buy it for a second. This movie had an awful lot of backstory and exposition and yet, none of the backstory sequences were particularly convincing or groundbreaking in any way.

On the upside, Taylor Lautner's near-perpetual lack of shirt was a big added plus. Also, the casting of the new Victoria was a great change from Rachelle Leferve. The choreography of the fight scene between the newborns and the monsters of Forks was pretty cool and the special effects got a bit more special. The only scene that was actually entertaining was the conversation between Edward and Jacob before the battle in which they discuss how they could have been friends...if they weren't sworn natural enemies and rivals in love.

All in all, Eclipse was very consistent. It, like its predecessors, was consistently poor. While slightly better than New Moon and leaps and bounds better than Twilight, Eclipse was essentially a fan movie and an excuse to see Taylor Lautner shirtless.

Movie grade: D

Well, that's all I really have to say on the subject.

Happy geeking!